30-day strict Keto

Well we are almost a week into my decision to start keto as strict as we can. Meaning no cheating, not even one slip up. So basically, a Whole 30, but a Keto 30 if you will. I want to make sure we start getting back on track. Every time I look in the mirror or step on the scale I want to cry.

2 years ago, when we did our annual Universal anniversary celebration, I looked at our pictures and said I will not look like this next year. Fast forward a year later and not only had I not changed I might’ve been bigger. I was pregnant but still, not where I wanted to be.

Now we are just 2 months away from our anniversary and boom I’m just as big, if not bigger and I hate it. I want to do better. This is not just about looks, its about becoming my best/healthiest self for my children. They still have so much more life ahead and I want to be there for it all.

Last week I didn’t have a plan for lunch or dinner on Friday, and I had an appointment 30 minutes away that night. I sent Kyle a text and said, “Hey I want to do a strict 30 day no cheat keto plan”. Of course, he was on board, he’s been wanting us to go strict for a while now.

I said we would not worry about that day because I had nothing planned and I didn’t want to start that day. I was starting a list of 30 easy meals to make. I wanted to make sure we had a plan going into this task. We have done longer than 30 days before, but this had been harder to get back into it.

I made the list of as many meals that I could think of, still not quite at 30 meals, but we have over 20 and that is good enough for me. I want to make sure we have a variety and be able to use my new cooking toys. I got an air fryer oven last weekend and my mom got me an instant pot, so I’m set with easy cooking methods.

I started boards on Pinterest for air fryer and instant pot meals. I want to make sure that I am using them to the fullest. So far, we have had so much fun using them. When I say we, I mean me because let’s be honest Kyle is not the cooker in the family.

So far this week I made a rotisserie chicken, bacon and a chicken stacked thing in the air fryer. I used the rotisserie chicken in my chicken parm casserole we had for lunch. Omg, the air fryer oven was worth it just for the quick rotisserie feature, screw buying another premade one again. I also made sour cream pork chops, roasted red pepper chicken thighs and meatloaf with radishes in the instant pot. I am seriously so in love with both kitchen tools!

Right now, I am working on a meal plan. I have my handy list ready to go. IT’s just a matter of picking from the list. I still need to look at my grocer ads to see who has what on sale. Thankfully we have a little produce/meat shop that just opened down the street. They have really good prices at times. I got some short ribs for super cheap a few weeks ago. Those in the pressure cooker are amazing!!!

The big thing about this 30 day, is I’m trying to challenge myself to not eating out while we do it. Our go to is Texas Roadhouse and it is very keto friendly. I just want to try our best to stay in. Even though they are keto friendly, it still takes a decent hunk out of my grocery budget for the week. I want to test my will as much as possible. I need to be looking and feeling better before the end of May at the very least.

You know when you have hit your breaking point, when you don’t even care that Valentine’s day falls in your 30-day plan. As far as I’m concerned, I can cook us a nice steak dinner right here at home. Hell, it will be less than half the cost or going out and we can just relax.

I was planning for us to go to the Seven Seas Food Festival at SeaWorld for our Valentine’s day celebration, it would be 2 days later, but we could still have fun. Nope! That is in our 30 days and that is not worth it to cheat. Right now, we have a Universal trip planned for our anniversary weekend. We weren’t going to go, because we booked the cruise, then a local group planned their private event that weekend, and Kyle got us tickets.

We didn’t go last year because I was very pregnant with Kody and it wouldn’t be enjoyable. This year I am not pregnant, and we can go have some fun!!! They close the parks to the public and limit the amount of tickets they sell. Not only do you get short lines for the rides, they also have unlimited food and non-alcoholic beverages, meaning Butterbeer!!!

I’m hoping that after these 30 days is up, we can hopefully last until the end of April and wait until that night to cheat. I don’t want to get to ahead of myself with that thought, because that usually leads to failure. I want to set my goals small enough to achieve.

I will definitely give an update to our progress with this 30 day plan. At the moment I need to get back to making my list so we don’t slip. Also need to get started on this keto cheesecake I want to attempt! Which just reminds me to get on amazon to order the inserts for my Instant Pot!

Until next time!

Crazy week already

It has been a week already! Sunday Kody wok up not feeling 100%. He threw up a little bit and that isn’t normal. Then Kenz was obviously not herself either. I made the call to stay home and not go to work. Kyle has just really mastered staying home alone with the kids in good health, I wasn’t really sure how he would do alone with sick babies.

Kody seemed to be better later in the day, but he was still not his normal self for most of the day. Kenz seemed to get worse as the day went on. She was just not her bouncy self. Monday Kody seemed to be back to normal, but Kenz still not so much. We let her sleep in our bed because she woke up 3 times in just over an hour before I even went to bed. She woke up and sounded like a 20-year smoker. She was super froggy.

Then yesterday she woke up multiple times in the night, almost like she wasn’t really awake. She would talk and it was gibberish. I got her back to sleep but it was not that easy. She woke up again super froggy and with a cough. She had a low-grade fever early that morning and just was throwing me off.

I’m not the mom to rush to take the kids to the doctors for any little noise they make or freak out over every little fall and bump. I like to avoid doctors’ offices if possible, I don’t want the kids on a bunch of medications for something that isn’t needed. Sometimes that is all they want to do. The kids have to be acting not themselves for me to go.

Yesterday was one of those days. I wasn’t sure if there was something more going on. Kenzie always flicks her ear when she is tired, but she had been messing with her left ear more than normal. It made me wonder if she had an ear infection starting up. I don’t like to mess around with that.

Thankfully our pediatrician’s office has a rapid track walk in service during the weekdays. Honestly, I feel like we don’t wait nearly as long for that as we do for our appointments. Even better it was a female practitioner, Kenz has been having problems with men she doesn’t know. Not that I really have a problem with that, but it makes going to the rapid track harder if it’s a male dr.

She came in and checked her out. Her ears and throat looked good, but the rest of her symptoms seem to be pointing to croup. Since I have never had issues with our kids’ health, this is all new to me. She said they would prescribe steroids, but since it didn’t seem that bad, we didn’t need to worry about it, at the moment.

Well Kenz was out of it most of the day. This kid on a normal day, does not sit still. She is constantly on the move. She is an active child. Yesterday she just wanted to cuddle and lay with me. I can not complain about that one bit! I was hoping that the kids would nap at the same time, so mommy could nap too, but nope not in the cards yesterday.

I was exhausted, Kenz not sleeping is not good for me. I don’t sleep if she doesn’t sleep. Daddy can sleep through it all, I cannot. We all ate dinner and then she was ready for a bath. We let her and Kody take a bath together the other day, well she loved it! So of course she needed to have Kody take a bath with her too. After their baths, she was ready for bed. We decided to put her to bed in her room, hoping that she might stay there for the night.

Not even 20 minutes later, I thought I heard her cry or something not normal. I went into her room and she was not awake, but you could tell she was having a hard time breathing. I went back to the living room and 5 minutes later she was crying for me. I went into her room and her fever was back. Got her some Tylenol and had Kyle start the shower at the highest temp. I carried her into the bathroom and turned the light out. I sat on the toilet (lid closed, duh!) and just stayed in there for about 10 minutes. You could tell it helped her out while we were in there. She was breathing so much better.

I took her back to her room and she was stuffy again. She had her binky in her mouth and you could tell that it was not helping her with the breathing. I took it and she was not happy. I told her to breathe while it was out, she then tells me “I don’t want to breathe right now, binky!” It doesn’t work that way kiddo.

She ended up back in our bed again. Im ready for her to be better because I do not sleep with her having so many breathing issues. She had so many issues with breathing throughout the night. She did wake up once in the middle of the night, requesting apple juice. She would not let it go, so out I went to get her some juice. She drank some and went back to sleep with her binky in her mouth and sippy cup in her arms.

She woke up a couple times in the middle of the night to drink her juice. She had to wake me up to hold her binky while she drank, the kid is too much sometimes!

Now she is already down for a nap and woke up in a fit once. It didn’t take much to put her back to sleep. Hopefully she gets back to herself soon, because it kills me that she doesn’t feel good. I wish I could take the pain away and magically make her better.

If they help me out later I will get back on to post some keto updates. We started a 30 day personal challenge on Saturday and so far so good!

Until next time!

Just a quick update

What a crazy week it’s been! Kenzie turned 2 on Saturday and my heart breaks a little with each birthday. My babies are growing up so fast and I just want them to stay little for a while longer.

We didn’t do a birthday party for her this year. Instead we went to SeaWorld and did the dine with Shamu. That was an experience to remember for sure! I know she won’t really remember it, but we took plenty of pictures and plan on going back again!

That was an adventure. We had 16 people total in our party, I think we were the largest party there for the dining. I had made shirts for our group, minus 4 of the group members, unfortunately they didn’t know until last minute that they would be going. Making 12 shirts was a huge task, but we looked awesome and got lots of compliments on them. I even had someone come up to me in the line and mentioned she had seen them on the passholder page and wished Kenzie a happy birthday.

We had 2 big tables for the group, and we were so close to the pool. The whales were right there! In the tank when we first got there, they had 4 pilot whales that had been rescued. They did some tricks while we ate and then they moved them to bring in the orcas. That was the coolest thing ever. They had them do some exercises and one of the whales was directly in front of us. Kenzie loved it. They even gave her a baby Shamu for her birthday.

After the dining we all spilt up to do different things. We were going to try to feed the dolphins, but it was booked up for the day. The park was super crowded, more than normal so lines were crazy. We were going to see the penguins but decided to try something else with a shorter line. While waiting for a behind the scenes tour, Kenzie passed out. I tried to wake her up by picking her up and nope, she was completely knocked out.

We still did the tour, but then we called it a day. We were going to meet back at the house for dinner at my father in laws house. When we got there, we ordered some food. Mom and I went to pick it up and then picked up an ice cream cake. We celebrated a little more and then we called it a night.

I had to work the next day and that was super rough. I should’ve requested for the weekend off, but I already missed a full check with Kenzie’s birthday and the funeral the weekend before. I was not prepared for going back. I forgot my table cloth. So, I had to call Kyle to have him load the kids and rush to the store. Thankfully I was only down the street.

Just as I was going out to meet him, my boss was walking through the door! I was freaking out because I would’ve normally already been set up. Another thankful moment was the fact that the store had a lot of back stock. So, I had been working in the cooler until Kyle got there. My boss is awesome, he was like don’t worry you’re doing great. He could tell I had been in the cooler too because my face was super red.

I got my table all set and went over some stuff with my boss about what was going on in the store. I love working for this company. I have never worked for a company that builds up their employees instead of constantly telling them all the things they could do better. Maybe because it is a woman owned business.

It is not a difficult job, you just sample tea and talk about the product. Thankfully the product really sells itself. I sold 59 gallons of product while I was there. They expect only 36 in the day. So, when he came back midday, he was shocked that I was already down to almost nothing in the back.

Yesterday I got to have a little bit of me time. We purchased a membership at a medical spa, and yesterday was my facial day. It is so nice to be able to step away from the mom role for just a bit and relax. Of course, while I was gone Kody decided to try to crawl forward. He has been going backwards all the time and refusing to go forward. He is the most stubborn kid in the world! Reminds me of his great grandpa every single day!

Well that is about it for now. I’m going to work on a post about the keto nightmare we have been dealing with. Mainly getting back into keto mode. My wonderful mom did just get me a brand-new instant pot, so I am super excited to make some yummy keto food in it!

Until next time!

Parenting and Parenting Styles

I had started another post yesterday, but it started going off topic. So, I figured I would just start another post about it!

What is your parenting style and how did you come about it? When you think about all the different ways there are to parent, it’s very easy to see your way is completely different than anybody else’s.

Every day I am terrified that I’m not making the right choices for both of my kids. I worry that I’m doing my job wrong or that I’m going to screw them up. But that is motherhood isn’t it? Well parenthood in general. There is no owner’s manual, no instructions, no you tube how to video. Every child is different, every situation is different. There is no one who can tell you whether the choices you make are going to have a good or bad outcome in the end.

I don’t care how many studies are out there, they aren’t looking at your child specifically. What works for one will not work for all. You can take the advice and decided what you want to do with it. Trust me I’ve had plenty of opinions come at me since becoming a mother. Hell, even before she was born, I had plenty of people putting their two cents in the mix.

We go based off the way we were raised and use that as a guide to lead us in the right direction. You choose whether to parent like your parents or change it and do the opposite of them. Unfortunately, some people are not always dealt the best hands in life and they can either learn from it and grow or continue the same path.

Thankfully I was raised by an extremely strong woman and will take how I was raised and continue it with my children. Of course, even I must modify it a bit. I am not a single mom of 2, I am a married mom of 2 and have a husband who will help when he is needed. There is no going at it alone for me.

My parenting style has changed over the past 2 years and with both kids. The way I imagined parenting is not the way parenting has turned out. I had a “step-daughter” for almost 4 years and the way I parented her is different than how I parent my 2 now.

I have a small experience as being a step mom and it is so different than being an actual mom. You have someone who is telling you how to raise their child and what you can and can’t do. When it’s your kid you are the only one who can say what can and can’t happen to your child.

While those 4 years were extremely amazing with her, I am so happy I don’t have to deal with being a step parent anymore. If you are in that situation, I hope all turns out for the best. One of the things I wish would have happened, was that I wish her mom would’ve seen I was only ever looking out for their daughter’s best interest. I think too often the parents feel so much hate to the ex and them moving on, that they take it out on the child.

I always saw the pictures of people thanking their ex’s new partner and co-parenting together. She never wanted to have any part in that. It was always her choice to put up the biggest fight for anything. That was her choice as a parent and it really affected her daughter in the long run. I hope things are better now, but I have no clue.

I hope I never have to experience that with my family. I already told Kyle he is stuck with me forever, that I will not divorce him. Only way that would happen, is if he cheats. I will not deal with another cheater in my life. Thankfully I truly believe he will never cheat.

I used what I learned over that 4 years to help me be a better mother. I know I saw a lot of things from my former “step daughter’s” mother that I would never want to put my children through. I will forever take those memories and make sure that I do not provide that level of care. I will always strive to be the best I can be. Thankfully I know that I am not alone.

My kids are super lucky to have the support and love around them. I just finished up making the shirts for Kenzie’s birthday on Saturday. There are 12 shirts made, that includes hers. Now we have a total of 16 in our party for Saturday, but I already bought the shirts and had the decals made before the other 4 said they were coming.

But that is 16 people that love her and care about her. There are so many more that can’t make it down to celebrate. It’s just a part of her village. I believe we should have a great village around as a support. Another cliché I know, but it really does take a village to raise a family. Our village spreads far and wide, but when needed they will be right there when you call, no questions asked.  

You should remember that no matter how you choose to parent, you are doing what is best for your children. Make sure that you have someone you can talk to about anything. Even if you want to message me, I would be more than happy to talk to you about whatever you need. No one is an expert on children, no matter what their resume says. Every single child is different from the next.

I hope that came out the way I felt in my head and it wasn’t a huge jumbled mess. Comment on any of the ways you view this, what is your parenting style? Who do you take after with your parenting? Whether it’s your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunts or uncles, let me know!

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Emotional weekend

This weekend has been so crazy. On Saturday I went to work out in Orlando, only to find that the store was not prepped for me to demo the product. So that meant a short day. Since I got off work so early, we went out to Melbourne to spend time with the in-laws. Then yesterday we laid Miss Naomi to rest. When I say crazy, it really is more like emotionally draining.

Right now, we are dealing with too much depressing events and talk. We just lost Miss Naomi and went to her funeral. It was such a lovely service and she looked so peaceful. I could not imagine doing what morticians do, but she looked beautiful. After the funeral we went to a nice lunch with all our friends and had a great time celebrating her life.

We are getting to a point in our lives where we are lucky to still have grandparents around. Whether we like it or not, death is inevitable and the longer you live the closer to death you come. Hell, no matter your age, you could be close to death. You never know what could happen and that’s why you should live your life to your fullest. I say your fullest, because you are different than the one next to you.

On Saturday, I got a chance to talk to Kyle’s gram. There is so much going on health wise, I’m not sure I could or would get it all down accurately. I’m going to try to explain the best I can for some backstory.

Back in June Gram was having issues with her breathing. My mother in law took her to the Dr. Turns out that there was a lump sitting behind her lungs pressing down on her bronchial tubes. There was also another lump near her groin area. Well they did a biopsy on the easier lump and she was diagnosed with lymphoma. They chose chemo as the course of treatment.

After her first round of chemo she had a horrible reaction. She had issues with her bowels and it something they typically see in diabetics. They determined that a specific medication in the chemo was what had caused this and they would adjust the medication for the next round. Fast forward 6 months, she had another PET scan. Well it shows that the lymphoma is gone, but the tumor behind her lungs had grown larger and is hotter.

At this moment it has not changed the way she is feeling or breathing. After her first chemo treatment, she felt so much better. She had PET scans in the 6 months and after the first treatment, the tumor had gone down. So, while the chemo helped get rid of the lymphoma, it did not help her tumor. They did that adjustment to her chemo and it didn’t help the bowel problem or continue shrinking the tumor.

Now they want to do a biopsy on the that tumor to see if it can be treated with a medication. They do not want her to do more chemo and she does not want to do more chemo. Chemo is not easy for anyone, let alone someone in their 80’s. (She will probably kill me for putting an age range out there)

She is going to go ahead with the biopsy now, initially she was not going to. She told me when they told her this, it felt like she was going through the same process all over again. She chose to do something about it the last time and it didn’t do anything. She had some highs and then lows with the chemo. Right after treatments she would be super active and hungry, because she was on steroids. But then a couple weeks after she was so drained and would hardly eat.

Nobody would want to go through all that again. She said she has lived a good life and wants to live the rest out enjoying it. I don’t blame her one bit. I would not want to spend my last bit of time here feeling miserable from something more than my sickness.

While we were talking, I had to ask what happens if she doesn’t want to do the medication or the tumor will not be affected by the medication. She said the doctor would then call in hospice. That threw me off. Why would hospice come in when she is still doing so well?

When I think of hospice I think of death within a very short time. She told me that they call them in if the person is expected to have 6 months or less to live. So, I asked her, is that the doctors’ way of saying you have 6 months or less left to live if left untreated, without really saying you have 6 months or less left? She said yes. But like anybody, you can outlive what they say. There is no guarantee how long anybody will live or when they will die.

No matter what she is at peace with whatever will happen. I’m getting teary-eyed about this again. She said, “it will be, what it will be”. That she has lived a great life. The hardest part is going to be everyone else accepting what she accepts. Nobody wants to lose a family member, let alone a grandparent who has been a major part of your life growing up.

The question I asked her, and I will ask you as a reader, what do you want to do? What if you were given the word that you have just 6 months left to live? What would you do with that time? Have you done all you hoped to do in your time?

I’m going to end this post for now. I will have more parenting talk in the next post. I’m going to post a picture on this blog that I came across going through old totes. It goes with the questions above. In 8^th grade we made poems, one of the lines was what to you would like to see. Mt first response will probably never happen, but I have done 1. I still have more left to do and all the talk of death makes me want to make my bucket list, and make it happen!

Until next time!

Absent parents, deadbeat parents, part time parents and all in between

Fun title, huh? Well since I’ve been writing out everything, I figured I’d go there. Let me start out first and foremost by saying I am not talking about my husband. As much as I can complain about the little things, the big thing is that no matter what he is there for myself and our kids. They are his first priority just like it should be.

Originally, I was calling the post “Absent dads, deadbeat dads, part time dads and all in between” but honestly, I don’t find that fair. I mean after all in this time we live in, women are wanting to be considered equal to men, so why should I exclude those who fall into the category at hand.

I want to start off by saying I write this with a bit of experience. My dad was in the early stages a part time parent, then absent. My mom would just say he was a deadbeat the entire time, which I would agree with at times.

My parents divorced when I was 2 and my mom had the primary custody. I got to see my dad every other weekend. He also had the choice to see me on Wednesdays too, but I can’t remember him ever actually doing that. There were 2 time periods where I can remember my dad being a better part time dad. That was when he was dating his ex, who I refer to as my other mother, Barbara. When they were together, he got me, and we spent quality time together. The next time I remember him going out of his way to get me, was when him and my stepmom were separated for a summer.

My dad remarried over 20 years ago now, and that changed a lot of the dynamic with us. Not only did I get a step mom, but I also got a step sister. Since I was living with my mom, they all had they’re own little world. A world that I was only apart of every other weekend. My step sister ended up bonding with my dad and got a bond I don’t have with him. A few years after they got married, my step mom ended up pregnant with my other sister.

Everything changed drastically when that happened. They became Jehovah Witnesses, they had moved to Spring Hill area, which is near Tampa. No longer was he 30 minutes away he was almost 2 hours away when you factor in traffic. He wanted my mom to meet him half way to get me and drop me back off. Well she wasn’t the one who moved so far away, and it didn’t work with her schedule. I don’t blame her one bit. Later in life I ended up with a similar situation, I’ll explain in a bit.

Well, once they became full blown Jehovah Witnesses my world was changed yet again. No longer did they celebrate any holidays like we once had before. I started to refuse to go over on the weekends that fell on holidays, because I wanted to be able to celebrate. There would be weekends that my friends were having birthday parties and he would refuse to take me, so I would just stay home those weekends.

Then in high school I started working. I wanted to be able to go out to do things with my friends and that costs money. He wanted to blame my mom for me missing his weekends, but it was all my choice there. He had his own world and a new family, I didn’t factor into that equation. The other thing that made it harder to go over to his house was that I wasn’t allowed to come over while on my period or if I was potentially coming down with something. He didn’t want to buy the products that I would need, and heaven forbid if the sniffle was the start of something more.

If I had the products needed for the weekend, we would be good to go. But there were times I didn’t have them with me or I started after I got to his house. He would make such a big deal about it and it just hurt my feelings, like I wasn’t allowed to go through this.

My senior year of high school (I was only 17) child support stopped coming in. He had been adding more to the amount so that my mom wouldn’t take him to court to raise it. Well at a certain point during my senior year the child support quit coming across. Well he was like I’m done. So, I went off on him. At this point he was screwing my mom over on money used to take care of me. He had no problem providing for his main family, but now he was off the hook for even needing to think about me. I cursed him out and laid out every feeling I had about him.

Well 11 years ago my uncle passed away. His kids had not been in contact with him. I don’t know for sure if they had any, but I thought about my dad passing away and feeling guilty that I ended things the way I did. So, I picked up the phone and called him. I did not apologize for the things I said, because that was how I felt.

We started up a relationship again. One of the terms I requested was that he not try to force his religion down my throat. That was one thing I would never convert to and that if he wanted to keep shoving it down my throat, I would end the relationship again. I did not want to have that continue to come up.

Fast forward just a bit. My step sister got married, she invited her real dad to the wedding but had my dad walk her down the aisle. Her then husband passed away a couple years later. He had a heart condition and was waiting for a bloodless heart transplant. Unfortunately, it was not available in time and he passed. Well I went up over for the weekend of the funeral. There were so many people there in support of him and his whole family.

As we were at the reception that follow, I was introduced to many people. My dad introduced me to people saying, “This is my other daughter, Kendra”. Other daughter not oldest daughter, you know his 1^st born daughter, the 1 out of 2 who is actually his blood. No, at that moment I was the other daughter. To which every single person replied, “I didn’t even know you had another daughter’!

How warm of a feeling is it that your father has all these people in his life and they have no clue that he has 2 biological kids and a step kid. I get that after 20 years, you’ve raised your step kid as your own, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you have 3 kids in that situation.

The best part was when those people kept asking why I lived in Orlando, and why don’t you move up here to be closer to your dad? My response was “Well my mom is in Orlando and since she has ALWAYS been there for me, I will continue to live in Orlando where my rock is”! The look on their faces was priceless.

We continued to stay in contact over the years. It ended up being a once a month phone call. Now if he remembers he might call. I was being the one to call for a bit, but I’m tired of being the one to continue to try. He came out to see Kenzie a few weeks after she was born, and I made at least 2 trips to his place. Then we also went out to see him when they stayed out in Orlando. He has yet to see Kody and he is now 8 months old. There was one weekend when they came to Orlando (once that I am aware of) and we were going to meet up, but I ended up at the minute clinic because I was sick.

Now I will say I had a moment of being a “Stepmom”. It was the most trying time I’ve had as a parent role. I loved Kohnie with my whole heart and loved her as if she was my own child. The easiest part was loving her and making sure she knew she was loved. The hardest part was her mother. My relationship with her father didn’t start off in the normal way. Their marriage was falling apart, and both had started seeing other people. I was his other person. Therefore, her mother hated me from the start.

When we were finally able to have Kohnie stay at our house, her mother tried to set rules for us to follow in our house. However, she was able to do whatever she wanted, no matter if my ex had issues with it. Throughout the few years we were together, we went from having Kohnie every weekend to almost having her full time for a while.

Her mom was a deadbeat and part time parent. She wanted to only have Kohnie around when it was convenient for her. Her way of parenting was, this is my life and Kohnie will adjust to my life or else. At one point there was no communication from her, we didn’t know where she was living or what was going on. She would call to say a quick goodnight to Kohnie but that was it. Turns out her electricity had been cut and she was being evicted from the house she was renting.

She then moved out to a different county about an hour from our place. We ended up keeping Kohnie, so she could still go to school. The next year she had moved even further out and the registered Kohnie at a school by her new place. She was living with her boyfriend and his family, so she now had full time babysitters.

We went back to having Kohnie every weekend. Soon after that happened, our relationship was coming to an end. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. For so long I had been raising this little girl. Fighting the odds that her mom kept throwing our way. She refused to let her mom tell her how to feel about me. And now I have to say goodbye to her.

Her dad had promised both of us that we would still be able to see each other after we spilt but unfortunately that only lasted while he paid off a debt, he had with me. He went throw a chance at getting custody of her, the mother was arrested for drug possession and dealing, but the state didn’t take Kohnie from her. They did nothing. We had no clue where she was for one night. He ended up going out to the school to pick her up. That’s when we found out she had been arrested. Nobody had contacted her other parent to let him know. Amazing how things work.

I’ve had to deal with it all on 2 different levels and 2 completely different situations. Too often anymore we see families splitting apart. I think the part that people forget about is, just because you are no longer with your child’s other parent, that does not mean that your role stops. You are still the parent; your child needs you to remain a parent. More than ever in most cases. The child needs to know that you still love and care about them the same as before the spilt happened.

When you are with the other parent of your child, you share the responsibilities with each other. You do not get time off, you don’t get full day or weekend breaks. You are a full-time parent. People who I’ve seen spilt from each other act as if they are doing something great by taking their child for the weekend. NO you are being a parent. Just think if you were still together, you wouldn’t have someone coming over all the time taking the kids off your hands.

I still have more on this topic but think I will save that for another day. Until then!

Feeling accomplished

Initially I had a completely different topic in mind for today. I will more than likely still write it and post later, but for now this.

I am feeling so accomplished at this moment. Anybody who knows me, knows that I have an issue with organization and keeping everything perfectly tidy. Well so far this year, I know we are 10 days in, I have been on a roll.

It started with getting Kenzie’s big girl bed right in the beginning. Once we got that in her room, I wanted to get it done. I had planned on doing a Dr. Seuss theme for her room. We used the same them for her 1^st birthday and there were elements from the party I planned on bringing to our new house to use in the decorations. Everything had been sitting to the side because she wasn’t sleeping in there yet. I didn’t need to worry about it.

Well now I wanted her to love her room and everything about it. I’m still not 100% done with it, but I love seeing her reactions to everything. Even though she is almost 2, she is still noticing all the little details that keep getting added. I put new words on the wall and she will ask what they say.

At this point we are almost all done with her room. The only thing I have left to do is print off 2-4 more quotes and then print out the Lorax’s face for her closet.

Getting started on her room just lit a fire under me to get it done and then to start focusing around the house too. I started on the kitchen earlier this week. So far, we have been maintaining what I’ve done. There is one small part on the counter that is holding random stuff. I just need to figure out where the things are going.

I was able to declutter my bakers rack. That has been a mess since we moved. Cleaning that up let me rearrange it too. Kenzie likes to mess with the toaster, but now she can’t. I accidently left Kody’s cabinet open and that will be the next task in the kitchen, clearing them out.

Today while Kenzie took a nap I got to work on our bedroom. Aside from Kody’s room being a catchall, our room has been too. We moved in back in March and kind of through May too. Initially my goal was to bring things over a little at a time and then toss out things we didn’t need anymore as we went. Well it started out like that, but them we were rushed at the end. Plus, that was right after we had Kody too. So, everything ended up everywhere, things we wanted, things we didn’t. It has been the longest process ever!

Getting the chance to work on our room without Kenzie “helping” was so nice today. Even if Kyle is home and watching the kids while I work on it, it never works out. That of course is the exact moment that neither kid can live without me and demand I be present in the room with them. Which then they usually just ignore the fact that I am out there.

We were even able to rotate our bed while Kyle was home for lunch! We had the laundry room cleared out, but that didn’t last too long. So, at this point I have the laundry room and Kody’s room to really get things feeling more like a home, rather than a storage unit.

After we get those 2 rooms taken care of, it’s off to work on the bathroom. When we moved into this house, we painted every room except for the bathroom. The main reason for that was because the bathroom walls have so much chipped paint. It is going to take so much extra work to get it done right. Before we moved in, we called in the troops to paint the house in 1 day. My parents came over and so did my in laws. They kick so much painting ass in that one day. My stepdad came out the next day to finish cutting in our bedroom and Kyle finished it off.

It was so nice to not have to worry about the painting once we were in the house. It was done, and we could set everything up and not have to think about painting later. Which is also why the bathroom has gone untouched. It is not that easy to work on it with the kids and tackle the full task that it brings. We also want to do it at one time and not drag it out. We need to replace the sink and the cabinet, along with the medicine cabinet too.

In conclusion I am super proud that I am making the moves I am. This is a new feeling for me to have with organization. I’m actually enjoying it, before that would not be the feeling. It was more of a feeling of dread to do any of this. I guess that’s what happens after 30, you get excited organizing and cleaning!

Well until the next post, where I will touch more on parenting and more specifically “dads”.

Motherhood

Well this morning started off to a gross start! I picked Kody up from his rock n play to lay in bed with me and boom puke all over me and the bed! I will take the blame for it because I asked Kyle to make him another bottle. He seemed like he was in the slightly restless stage and just a little bit more milk would get him back to sleep, NOPE!

Thankfully Kyle hadn’t left for work yet and was able to grab Kody while I got as cleaned up as I could. Then I grabbed my puke filled blanket and threw it into the laundry room. I will handle that later! I still have to completely strip the bed down and wash everything.

So, here we are, wide awake and waiting for Kenzie to get up. Once she is up, we will play our morning song and start the day off better. We have started play “If you’re happy and you know it” every morning to start the day off in an upbeat way.

Speaking of upbeat and positivity, I will say that I’m getting some more support from the hubs! He has started helping with the dishes at night! It was so nice to wake up to no dishes in the morning. One less hassle to wake up to is so refreshing. Last night they didn’t get done, but somehow, he also lost half of a chocolate bar, so karma? Haha, I’m just kidding!

I’ve been listening to the Take it or Leave it podcast a lot lately and I feel like all moms should really. The hit of so many issues and help you think about things you might not have thought about. I’m going backwards now, but the last one I was listening to was about the mental health of mothers. It makes me think back to my last post.

I know that I am a different person than I was 1 kid ago and really 2 kids ago. Us as women change when we become moms, some don’t make a crazy change but most of us do. When you look at the big picture, becoming a mom is a completely different experience than becoming a dad. I think people tend to overlook the reasonings that happens.

Let’s break it down. It all starts when we first look at the calendar and then pee on that stick. Whether you were trying for a baby or not, right there in that up to 5-minute window, your entire world can change in an instant. The words read pregnant or the 2 pink lines show, or the positive sign is there. Now you are officially in the world of motherhood. Anything can change between that bathroom session and 10 months, but at that moment you are now a mom.

You now must change your world already. So quickly you must cut out things that you are so used to having. From watching your caffeine intake to cutting out a sandwich that is made with cold cuts. You are forced to change your lifestyle to make sure you are providing the perfect living situation for you baby. While these are minor changes to make sure your little squish will be as healthy as they can be, it is still the start of readjustment for your entire life.

Now men! Men don’t have to change anything once they find out they are going to be a dad. Let’s be super honest here, they can choose whether they want to continue in the path of fatherhood all together! While not all men flee, they still have that option. Women do as well but it is not as easy for them. We must go through so much more if we choose to change the hand we were dealt.

Anyways that is a different topic for a different day. Once we find out we are going to be a mom, everything does change. Our bodies change to accommodate the new person we are bringing into the world. I think it is fitting that happens. The only reason I say this, is because once that little human comes into the world, our lives are spent accommodating that little human. It’s like natures way of preparing you for what is to come.

Once our little people come out, our lives change yet again. We are now the main source of food for them. We are also their warmth as well. For so long they were growing inside us, that they do not know what to do without us. I actually loved this part the most. I held both of my babies the entire time in the hospital and at home too. While in the hospital both babies slept with me, right against my chest.

As much as they depend on you, you depend on them too. For 9-10 months I carried you, I was your warmth, I was your source of everything. Once you came out, I also was not ready to let that go. I wanted to make sure both of my babies were protected. I am a momma bear in every sense of the wording. I will never let something happen to my kids without someone going through me first.

I don’t want anybody thinking that I am complaining about being a mom or all that it entails. I’m just wanting to make sure those out there understand all that being a mom really entails!

Now when those little babies come out, that motherly instinct instantly hits. You can feel when things are about to happen before they do. You will wake from a dead sleep at the tiniest sound in the other room. Dads on the other hand can sleep through anything and have to ask before doing anything, because they just don’t have the same intuitions we have.

My wonderful husband can sleep like a rock even through the loudest screams and crying. It is truly amazing! While in the hospital after having Kenzie, I literally had to throw a pillow at him to get him up. I will say I got lucky, he has always helped with the middle of the night kid crap lol. He has gotten up to change diapers or make a bottle. Now as soon as the task at hand was done, he went back to bed and fell asleep instantly. A trait I envy like crazy.

Once you become a mother your world revolves around your children. You change the way you used to do everything. You end up going to bed way earlier because you never know when the baby will be up next or how long they will be up for when it does happen. You don’t get to eat or drink whenever you want because the baby needs to eat first, or you will not have peace until they get fed. If you are a coffee drinker, say goodbye to hot cups of coffee or switch to iced coffee to save the time!

I don’t want this next part sound like I am bashing any moms, because I am not. When you choose to become a stay at home mom, it is completely different than being a working mom. Being a stay at home mom you are solely focused on taking care of the kids and are their everything still. You are constantly trying to make sure that you are enriching their minds and keeping them entertained. There is not a break for you. When dad gets home you might get a small break, but there is no guarantee. Chances are even if dad is not doing anything, yet you have your hands full, the kids are coming to you to ask for whatever they want or need!

I have that happen every single night and day! However, I almost have Kenzie trained to always ask daddy to change her butt. She grabs his hand and says, “come on daddy, come on”! It is awesome!

So, let me try to round back to my point of this entire post. Us as women change when we become moms. We tend to get lost in our new job title. I don’t personally like how quickly doctors are at prescribing medications to fix our problems. Personally, I don’t see my feelings as a problem. For me I’m just trying to figure out how to manage my ever-changing rolls. I’m not the same person I was 3 years ago. I say 3 years because even though Kenzie will be 2 next weekend, I became a mom long before that. We as moms need to figure a way to get us time and be able to take a full break from being a mom from time to time. I had the hardest time thinking that way after Kenzie was born. I never wanted to have her away from me for too long. I still don’t want to have that. But I realize more and more that we need to do that.

We need to be given breaks for a long enough to enjoy ourselves. The short trip to the grocery store is not really a break. While we get to go by ourselves once in a blue moon, it is not a full break. We need to be able to take care of ourselves too, in order to give the best to our children.

I would never give this journey up. I don’t know what I would do without my kids. I might not be the same person I was 3 years ago and I’m ok with that. Even though I might have some stressful days and seem like someone else. I’m ok with that. I am the person now that I was meant to become. I am mom to Kenzie and Kody, they are my world and I am their world too. At the end of the day, I can count of their love and they can count on mine. They will always know that they are loved by me and never have a doubt in their minds because I will continue to find new ways to show them.

For now, that is all I have. Now time to get back to momming it up!

What do you do when your spouse questions your happiness?

Well tonight I am faced with this very question. The other night I had my stress attack/meltdown. This is not common for me, well it wasn’t common before kids. I have had thoughts about whether it could be postpartum depression or just over stressed.

I do not believe I have depression of any kind. I have had some issues lately with handling my stress. At times I just feel overworked and under appreciated and it all tends to build up. Then when placed in what would be a minor stressed situation, my stress levels just soar through the roof.

When you are a stay at home mom you have more pressures to make sure that the house is always at the perfection. Anybody who knows me, knows that has never been the case and probably will never happen. I would love to have my house spotless and everything in it’s all perfect spot, but for some reason no matter how hard I try, I fail to get to that point.

Every morning I start my day off the same, get Kenzie her food, change Kody and get him a bottle if he needs it and then start the dishes. I can get some done and then I get pulled away. Then I go back and sometimes I can get them finished. For a whole hour the counter might be free of a dirty dish or bottle, but then lunch happens. We have tried to use paper plates, but still have went back to regular plates because they hold hot items better.

Now the sink is filled back up with more dishes. However now it is nap time and I must lay Kenzie down for her nap. Even though she is in her new bed, it still takes a little bit to get her to sleep before I can get up. Then for about an hour, sometimes longer, I have a moment to myself. No one asking for food, no one crying for my attention, just some quite time for myself. So, do I really want to spend that hour of freedom doing more dishes, folding laundry or any of the other million things on my list? Hell, no I do not!

Eventually I get to finishing up the dishes from lunch and then it is time to start getting dinner ready. Which when you eat at home, what does that lead to? More dishes. So, all day long I cook, clean, and take care of the kids. This is the job I signed up for, but it is not as easy as one might think. There is not a time clock that we can punch in and out from. The job is 24/7, 365.

While I know my husband works hard all week, he still gets a break from the craziness of the kids for a portion of the week. I took a weekend job to help myself get out of the house and disconnect for a bit. But you know what? I still am constantly thinking and worrying about what is going on at home.

Thankfully if there are any dishes left over from Friday night, Kyle does take care of them. He gets a small glimpse into my every day, but I still feel like what I do goes unnoticed. He does see how hard it is to both parent and clean, but I still feel like he doesn’t fully get it.

On the weekends a lot of the time we don’t eat at home or at least I don’t cook as much. So, there aren’t many dishes used during that time. However, the number of dishes left from Friday take him all weekend to do. As I type this, I have to wonder if he thinks the dishes in the sink are always the same ones and he thinks I don’t get anything done. If only that were the case.

Some days I just wish I could not do a thing and let him see the reality of what I really do. There is the saying out there, nobody notices what you do until you stop doing it.

I love my life and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I love the fact that I get to stay at home and raise my kids, teach them and see them grow and progress. I think that I just wish I knew that it was acknowledged more and appreciated.

When you don’t feel appreciated, it starts to slowly eat at you. There are always simple things you can do to make sure that the one you love knows that you really see everything that they do. You should just take the time and the extra moment to make sure that they really know and that they believe you when you tell them or show them.

That’s all I have for tonight! Until tomorrow, where hopefully it will be a better day!

Failure…. It happened…. Already

So last night was a disaster to say the least. The day was fine, and we had a good plan. However, thanks the tripolar weather of Florida, our night was not so great.

After Kyle got home from work, we finished getting the kids ready and loaded up. Before we even made it outside, I could see the dark clouds rolling in. When we got outside, I had Kenzie loaded and Kyle almost had Kody fully load when the giant drops started to hit the truck.

At that moment I knew I should have just unloaded the kids and said screw it, but nope I decided to take the chance that a few miles in the other direction, the weather would be better. As we continued, the rain was getting worse.

Now over the years I have started having issues with anxiety. It has gotten worse since having Kody. Well as far as going in public with 2 kids, I tend to stress and overthink it all. The thoughts and planning that goes on in a mother’s mind is crazy.

So now we have made it to Texas Roadhouse and the rain is not letting up. I then figure it would be the great idea to check the weather app. Well the radar just shows a massive blanket of rain coming our way. So, if we get out to go into the restaurant, we get wet. Then we eat dinner, leave and more than likely get wet again. Now I have a small personal sized umbrella. While that is fine and dandy, trying to hold that while getting a kid out of their car seat is a giant pain in the ass. Not to mention you get wet no matter what.

I also only have 1 umbrella. So that means 1 parent gets the umbrella while the other gets nothing. So, does the 1 parent with the umbrella get 1 kid out, drop them off with the soaked parent while leaving child 2 in the car. Or does parent 2 without the umbrella, grab child 2 and they both get soaked?

Again, this is the kind of crap constantly going through my head! My husband, as wonderful as he normally is, does not get that at all. He is always cool as a cucumber, roll with the punches, and just lets nothing bother him.

So, when we get back home, after driving to the restaurant and back without getting out of the car. We unload the kids and we sit in more silence, which I might add is what we rode home in. Well as we sit, Kyle offers up ordering take out.

As far as keto and take out, we have yet to master the thought of that, let alone actually attempting to do it. Texas Roadhouse is our go to for eating out, because you can order almost anything on the menu without having to super customize the order to make it keto. I did not want to get a fast food burger or order a salad from somewhere and then have to customize it to where it was practically a new salad.

Well after sitting in silence because I snapped back at him for offer to order take out. I started to look at the dominos app, because they had sent me an email. So, I said that thought out loud, and he came back with, “that’s what I was thinking of when I offered ordering something”. There was attitude when he said it too. Mainly because when I said I snapped back at him, I snapped back. He gets to a very keto Nazi mind set and doesn’t want to allow for any slips. So, when he offered take out, my mind was at he means keto, which means difficult.

So, we ordered dominos and he went to go pick it up. We also needed formula for Kody and some diapers for Kenzie (both were on the list for the night, but rain!). He went to target to grab the kid’s items and then dominos on the way home, it was on the way home and save another $4 for delivery.

Well he got home, and I was working on trying to finish Kenzie’s room decoration. He comes through the door and says, “I think I’m missing a pizza”. He was lol. Surprisingly it was not my pizza, but his. They have ridiculous deals for multiple pizzas, so that’s what we did. I got Kenzie fed while he went to pick his pizza up.

When he got home, we made plates and sat down to watch Incredibles 2. We can’t even watch a kid’s movie with the kids awake because they are turds! Both would not be quite and there was no way we could watch it and know what was going on.

Halfway through the movie Kenz came up to us saying night, night. Then she told us I’ll be right back and came back with a book. (Glad to see she is catching onto the new bedtime routine!) She was ready for bed. So, we went in to read her a story and I laid down with her until she was asleep. It took a little longer than normal, but finally she was out.

I came out to the living room and Kyle was already snoring. So, I woke him up and asked if he wanted to finish the movie, he agreed. Well as we are watching, I should say as I was watching, I start to hear snoring. So, I nudge him back awake, to which he claims he was not sleep. Bull crap! This continued until I just said screw it. I’m going to bed since I have to work in the morning.

Quick backstory as to why this pissed me off so much. Kyle has been talking about how great it would be to get Kenzie into her own bed and it be at a decent time, then we could stay up and watch movies and whatever else. Well what in the freak! I stay up and we have a movie going and you are freaking sleeping!

The other frustrating part to that, is that he did an overnight sleep study. To which they called into the c pap machine people to get him a machine. Then the dr office called and said something wasn’t approved. Well he never followed up with them to see what part wasn’t approved or what we would need to do!

So, the stupid rain caused a stress attack, which I get he doesn’t control the rain. But the fact that he can remain so calm and not bothered at all annoyed me. Then he starts falling asleep when we are supposed to be spending time together! What the crap!?

This is turning into a vent session and if you made it this far, thank you, there’s more!

So, this morning Kenzie wakes up a little after 6. I will mention it was the only time she woke up last night! First time in the bed girl bed where she slept through the night, progress! Well, I went into the bed and we both fell back asleep. I was awakened by my alarm, thankfully I brought my phone into her room! I get up and she stayed sleeping. I go into out bedroom and Kody is wide awake and sitting up in the rock n play. Where is Kyle? Right in the bed sawing logs! I had to call him name 5-10 times before he even budged.

The dozing off annoys me and worries me. The whole reason I want it addressed and worked on, is because I worry about it happening while I’m at work and he is alone with the kids. Normally during the day there isn’t an issue, and thankfully I only work until 3 and usually get home by 4.

So, I go to throw my work clothes into the dryer, because I had not gotten to last week’s laundry in the baskets. I go to unload the laundry he did last week that was in the dryer. Oh, how I lost it again so early in the morning. There were easily 3-4 loads of laundry in the dryer. It literally flew out of the dryer when I opened the door. When you put so much in the washer, it does not get everything cleaned! I’m not sure which of my in laws taught him or did teach him how to do laundry, but someone missed the mark!

He then asked me what the real problem was, and what was really bugging me. Well I’m not one to sugarcoat anything, and I was not quite about any of the above problems. There was no underlining cause, those were really my issues. Whether they should have or not, they were what was pissing me off and making me snap.

Not to mention, I was really trying to keep keto until Kenzie’s party, if not past through her party. And one stupid weather issue and my stress attack screwed that all up. Btw as I type this, he has football playing and he is snoring on the couch!

So, I have already failed myself with one of my goals. Like I said before, I will post the good, the bad and the ugly. This was all of those rolled into one.

Here is to hope for a better day tomorrow. Getting back onto the keto wagon and holding strong! I do want to make one of my next posts about some common issues with keto as well as how to adjust your thinking. Pretty much fat adapting your mind if you will. We are taught that fat is bad, well it’s not!

Until tomorrow!